top secret journal

1321 hours (34 days until winter solstice, 2008) -- i start writing in my top secret journal today this info never to be disclosed to anyone i think i am a mutant i have looked in my diagnostic and statistical manual for confirmation of this as a disorder but have not found one that truly fits by mutant i mean this is my best explanation best hypothesis for understanding that my consciousness seems different from the mainstream but perhaps everyone feels this way and says nothing my consciousness has never fit what is portrayed as normal normal meaning get a house and car and mate and kids and job and die and even more than that feel separate from the cosmos and try to find god or a god-substitute out there somewhere i have never fit that realm instead my mind is cosmic i have been "out there" since age 12 at least maybe before maybe since silence first whispered all this into existence and i know that out there and in here are the same i became a psychologist partly because i wanted to help people through their pain and partly because i wanted to investigate human consciousness after all that i still think i am a mutant in material science terms that would mean my brain is different but i don't think that my brain produces my consciousness i think consciousness produces the brain see what i mean i got it all backwards from what the truth doctors of today promulgate promulgate where do these words come from enough for now i will stick this back under my pillow